Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Netflix movie Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight has been dubbed the first Polish slasher flick ever made, which means Poland has maybe had a higher standard of horror for the last four decades? Director Bartosz M. Kowalski fiddles with throwback tones, dilly-dallies with self-aware comedy and wears his influences on his sleeve — now let’s see if the movie can transcend its references.
NOBODY SLEEPS IN THE WOODS TONIGHT: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?
The Gist: Adrenalina is a camp in the middle of rural-forest Polish nowhere, a rustic locale where I’m sure nothing bad ever happens except for maybe a bear mauling a deer or something. Internet-addicted teens of all types are bussed to the camp to detox — no laptops, no headphones, no Instagram and YOUR SMARTPHONE CAN’T SAVE YOU NOW MU-HAHAHAHAH. Ahem. Anyway, small groups of still-alive (for now) teenagers will venture into the woods with a guide for a three-day hike, obviously unaware that a nearby home is populated with two muy gordo subhuman pustule-men who, we learn in an early scene, are orphan twin brothers because their mother died when she fell down the steps trying to drag a dead hog into the cellar to feed them. So trigger warning: If your mother died when she fell down the steps trying to drag a dead hog into the cellar to feed you, this movie may be upsetting.
We have five principal teen hikers: Quiet girl Zosia (Julia Wieniawa-Narkiewicz), gamer nerd Julek (Michal Lupa), serially shirtless hunk Daniel (Sebastian Dela), sensitive guy Bartek (Stanislaw Cywka) and “hot girl” Aniela (Wiktoria Gasiewska), who packs her curling iron and Daisy Dukes for a trek through the woods. Iza (Gabriela Muskawa) is their guide. Other characters who sure seem DOOMED and live in the nearby woods include a squicky priest (Piotr Cyrwus) and an old man (Miroslaw Zbrojewicz) who once encountered the beast-men and has a pair of prosthetic legs to show for it.
Back to the teens. Some of them squabble and some of them doink on the beach, but it all seems pretty much pointless. Fates sure seem to be sealed, especially after everyone wakes up one morning and Daniel is missing, and we know why he’s missing, because the previous scene showed one of the yuckmen ragdolling him against a tree until he became a skinbag full of mush and gloop. They go looking for him and ignore Julek’s warnings about all the dumb things people in horror movies tend to do. NO SPOILERS, but I will say that many more poor choices will be made.
What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Let’s see, you got your Wrong Turn, your Friday the 13ths and your The Hills Have Eyes, some Chainsaw Massacre vibes, and the elbow in the ribs a la Scream or Cabin in the Woods.
Performance Worth Watching: Zosia is the only character with half an arc (besides the twin monster guys), so it’s Wieniawa-Narkiewicz by default.
Memorable Dialogue: “In horror movies, when groups split up, people die,” Julek says, just before the group splits up and people die.
Sex and Skin: Lingering topless shots of Gasiewska as she and another character make Jesus very very mad by having sex.
Our Take: Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight looks terrific: Solid cinematography and camerawork, some choice practical effects and makeup, suitably gloomy set pieces, a sufficiently synthy Carpenter-homage score and a couple of nifty kills. If you’re one of those horror-movie sickos who tunes in for the kills, well, there are some kills here, and one of them goes yuckity-splat in a rather satisfying manner.
Otherwise, I was disappointed by the lack of any real comedy here — it’s a little too gross without enough funny to balance all the gurgleblood ick and its blatant disregard for storytelling logic. It’s stylish but, unlike modern arthouse horror outings, it lacks any kind of resonant subtext. Kowalski doesn’t have much to say that isn’t nudgy meta-commentary; the movie mostly just sits in deference to the ax-and-machete slaughterflicks that came before it. It’s fine, there’s a couple of tense moments and the villains are effectively gross as hell, but there’s not much to get excited about. Well, maybe the thought of Kowalski directing another movie, as long as it isn’t a sequel.
Our Call: SKIP IT. Unless you’re a gore fiend who fires up any old horror movie, Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight doesn’t have much to offer that we haven’t seen before many, many times.
John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com or follow him on Twitter: @johnserba.
