Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
The husband of one of my in-laws was convicted of a serious crime several years ago. He sexually assaulted an underage teen over whom he was in a position of authority, and showed very little remorse when he was finally arrested and brought to trial. He says it was consensual and that it was “a different time.” My in-law knew nothing about any of this until the husband was unexpectedly arrested (they met and married several years after the crime) and goes along with his version of events. They’ve been visiting him in jail for years.
Needless to say, I am completely horrified and sickened, both by what he did and his attitude. I can’t really fathom why my in-law decided to stick with him; but that’s their choice. We don’t really talk about him whenever we meet; I firmly believe he belongs in jail. To be honest and extremely uncharitable, I kind of hoped he wouldn’t survive the pandemic, because it would have meant this situation wouldn’t have arisen.
Here’s the problem: He is due to be released before too long. When this happens, my kid will be around the age of the person he assaulted. My kid has no memory of his man, as he went to jail when they were very young. Just the memory of him holding my kid as a toddler makes me feel sick, although I’ve no reason to believe he tried anything or was interested in young children. What do I say when my in-law suddenly has a husband, after several years of living alone? I never want to be in the same room as this man ever again, never mind my kid. But I don’t think it’s going to be possible to keep this a secret forever. I hate the idea of having this kind of skeleton in the closet that they could accidently find later, and I don’t like lying to them. My kid loves their relationship their relationship with this relative, who is a lovely person apart from their entirely terrible taste in men. How do I explain to my child that this kind, intelligent person can excuse their partner’s crime and stand by him? And how do I make it clear that we are never going to be under the same roof as him after he is released.
—This Kind of Thing Never Happens to Your Family Until It Does
Dear Never Happens,
I don’t know exactly how old your kid is, so try something like this, adjusting as needed for age appropriateness: “I know you love Aunt Mary very much and so do I. Her husband did something to hurt a kid and he went to jail. He is getting out soon and he’ll be living at her house. He has not said he’s sorry and I don’t think he’s a safe person to be around, so we won’t be going there. I’ll still make sure you get to see and talk to your aunt. It might be less than before and if you miss her or feel sad, you can always talk to me about it.” If you get questions about why this lovely relative is choosing to spend her life with a monster, you could say, “Sometimes when grown-ups love someone, they try to forget about any bad or scary things about the person. But we don’t need to understand what she’s thinking; we just need to do what’s right for our family.”
It goes without saying that you can leave out “It’s too bad he didn’t die behind bars.”
Dear Prudence,
In our family business, my husband and I find ourselves entangled with his mother, who plays a pivotal role in its day-to-day operations. While all mostly runs smoothly, there’s a snag that’s been causing me no small amount of distress: her unwavering obsession with extreme conspiracy theories. These ideas seem to guide her decisions and permeate every aspect of her interactions with our customers, leaving me in a rather uncomfortable predicament.
Given her seniority and her age, most people tend to brush off her musings or reluctantly nod along to avoid friction, and avoid her as much as they can. However, I find it increasingly challenging to dance to a tune I don’t resonate with, especially when it tarnishes our customers’ and employees’ experiences. Numerous patrons have approached me, expressing their discontent with her approach, and while I lend them a sympathetic ear, I refrain from throwing her under the proverbial bus. My husband and I are in lockstep on this issue, and he’s already attempted to broach the subject with her many times. Likewise, I’ve had a candid heart-to-heart with her about the feedback received from our clientele.
But here’s where I’m at a loss: how do I draw a line in the sand to protect my own sanity? I have zero interest in conspiracy talk, and though I’ve expressed this to her, she insists on keeping me what she believes to be informed. The constant barrage of such inane conversations is beginning to wear me down. It’s not just affecting our business’s bottom line; it’s taking a toll on my personal well-being, to the point where I find myself on the verge of snapping.
Prudence, could you lend me your wisdom on how to establish some much-needed boundaries in this situation? I’m eager to find a solution that fosters familial harmony while safeguarding the integrity of our business.
—Seeking Sanity
Dear Seeking,
Your mother-in-law is actively upsetting customers, showing poor judgment, and not responding to feedback. You and your husband should take a serious look at whether she’s actually still playing a pivotal role in day-to-day operations, or doing more harm than good to the business. It sounds like it’s getting close to the right time for her to enjoy her retirement. However, I know the decision about when that happens isn’t yours alone and may require a conversation with several family members. With that in mind, your best bet is to focus on protecting yourself from these aggravating exchanges. If the type of business you’re running lends itself to creating some physical distance by locking yourself in an office or wearing headphones, obviously those would be good first steps. If not, I’m going to prescribe a white lie. Instead of telling her “I’m not interested in conspiracy talk”—which may just make her feel judged or inspire her to work harder to convince you that yes, Dr. Fauci and the Clintons were behind 9/11—you can say, “I’m dealing with a lot of stress/anxiety/high blood pressure and it’s important for my health that I not talk about things that are upsetting or get me worked up. Please send me all the details in an email or write them down and I’ll review it when I have a chance.” And of course, route those emails right to trash.
Dear Prudence Uncensored
“Hold up! You want them to assist in her plunging deeper into the abyss here?”
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
My brother-in-law died last year, leaving my sister to struggle as the single mother of a toddler. Her 10-year-old stepdaughter, “Stephanie,” went to live with her paternal grandparents, as her mother is out of the picture.
My sister has struggled to keep Stephanie in her life, but Stephanie acts awful around her. She blames my sister for the accident and the fact she had to change schools and houses, since my sister could not afford the rent on the house and had to move into a studio. Her grandparents can’t handle her, so they pawn her off on my sister whenever they can. And since my sister works as a waitress, she takes whatever shift she can get, meaning she puts the kids with me since I am a stay at home mom.
I love my sister. I understand Stephanie is a kid going through a lot of stress and grief, but I can’t handle her! Stephanie will pick fights with my kids, deliberately disobey me, and has even run away twice while my back was turned. I can’t even run errands because I can’t trust Stephanie to behave in public properly. It can’t keep going this way. Therapy is a pipe dream. We all live paycheck to paycheck. I am ready to just put my foot down. It isn’t getting any better. Help!
—Drowning
Dear Drowning,
The good news here is that you, the grandparents, and your sister all care about Stephanie, and none of you are (yet) at odds with each other. I’m sure you all understand that this 10-year-old’s behavior, while really unpleasant and even destructive, is a reflection of the enormous pain she’s in. She not only lost a parent, which would be enough to constitute serious trauma. She had her life completely uprooted and can undoubtedly perceive that she’s seen as a burden by all the adults in her life. She doesn’t have one solid person who’s dedicated to her well-being and has the capacity to give her the love she needs.
I know this isn’t your problem, and that your own kids have to come first. I get it. But there is an opportunity here to make a huge difference in the life of a child. Can I ask you to make one big push, maybe for the next three to six months, to rally all the support you can for her? While you should arguably bear the least responsibility for Stephanie, it sounds like you may have slightly more capacity to dedicate to this project than the other adults in her life, who are really struggling. So it would be great if you could take the lead.
Here’s what I suggest: Set up a meeting with your sister and the grandparents with the goal of operating as a team to brainstorm every possible resource that might fill in some of the gaps in Stephanie’s life. Some tasks, which the four of you could divide up, might include: Contact her school’s counseling service and see if she can talk to someone once a week. Push for testing to investigate whether there’s possible diagnosis behind her behavior, and accompanying treatment that might help. Find a local support group for grandparents raising grandchildren. Sign her up for Big Brothers Big Sisters. Ask whether there’s anything she’s really interested in and enroll her in a sport or activity. Contact the PTA or the parents of her classmates, explain the situation, and see if there’s a nice stay at home mom who might be willing to take her to practice or host a weekly play date. Research what free and low-cost activities the local YMCA has to offer.
Start thinking about summer now, and Google affordable camps for underprivileged/ underserved youth. Do a crowdfunding campaign to cover any extra expenses. Send your kids to friends’ houses one day and spend some on-on-one time with her, really listening to her and trying to determine whether there’s something—a task she can help you with around the house, a quiet place to rest, hell, an iPad—that might help her feel calmer when she’s at your house.
It may be true that none of the adults in Stephanie’s life have a lot of time or money to offer, but by piecing together your resources and energy to make sure she has the support and attention she needs, I think you might be able to make a big difference for her. You could also be rewarded by developing a close relationship with a niece-like figure who’s not only better behaved but also a loving addition to your and your kids’ lives.
How to Get Advice
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, try Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
I recently reconnected with a former female co-worker who was/is a very good friend. We had lunch with a mutual friend, and her behavior caught me off guard. As the three of us were laughing about our time together in the same office many years ago, she leaned into me and kissed me on the cheek. Not once but twice! The third member of our party excused herself to go to the restroom. After she disappeared around the corner, my friend leaned into me again and whispered, “I just realized that I’ve never kissed you before.” I looked at her and said, “Let’s talk tonight after we have both eaten dinner.” She agreed and we talked for almost three hours about anything and everything like we used to. At the end of our conversation, she apologized for her behavior that afternoon and I told her not to worry about it. I’ve often wondered if we should have tried dating on a serious basis.
We have always supported each other in a times of need. In the past, she cried on my shoulder after her first husband committed suicide and once again when she found her second husband in bed with another woman. She also cried on my shoulder daily after her mother passed away. She was also more supportive than my ex-wife after I had dual strokes in 2016 and went above and beyond after both of my parents passed away.
My question is, now that we are both in our mid-60’s, do I pursue a serious relationship, given our past history?
—Do I Or Don’t I?
Dear Do/Don’t,
I’m not going to tell you to immediately pursue a serious relationship, but it sounds like there’s more than enough to go on—a lot of emotional intimacy, good communication, and mutual attraction—to justify at least trying a date! Ask her out.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
I’m a single mom of three: 17-year-old daughter, 13-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son. I work a full-time job and homeschool our oldest daughter and son. Well, our daughter is graduating this year and has been accepted to a university in our state. She is really smart and very versed with different cultures. At first, their father seemed happy about her graduation and her acceptance. The thing is, his mother has a problem with me homeschooling, saying that my daughter can’t function in a school setting. In particular, she believes my daughter is not social since she doesn’t have a boyfriend. But the truth is, she did dual-enrollment at a community college with other high schoolers. Additionally, my ex’s mother doesn’t want her to go to this college because it is not “black” enough.
Now, my ex has a problem with the plan and mentioned to our daughter that she needs to go to a HBCU instead of this college, even though it has what she wants to major in and minor in. It angers me that he would open his mouth to discourage her. I already went off on him because they have no say about her future. How can I encourage her to continue to go after her dreams?
—Trying to Keep My Cool
Dear Trying,
One thing about this is that your daughter is a teenager, and most teens are not all that impressed by the opinions and preferences of the adults in their lives. It’s very possible that her father and grandmother’s remarks went in one ear and out the other—or even made her double-down on her original plan. The other thing is, she’s almost an adult, and she’s right on the precipice of a new stage of her life where you won’t be around to make sure things people say to her don’t make her feel bad. I think this is a moment to trust the way you’ve raised her and to be confident that she’ll be able to distinguish helpful feedback from hurtful criticism from projections of other people’s insecurities. As she grows up, there will be a lot of voices in her ear about how she was raised, how she relates to her racial identity, and what career path she chooses. You might really disagree with some of them. That’s okay. Just make sure she can count on yours to be the one that says “I think you’re great, and I know that you’ll be okay no matter what.”
Dear Prudence,
I’m a 35-year-old man. I have had a handful of relationships in my life, and while I have had a couple short flings or hookups, most of my past relationships have been long-term because that’s what I have always wanted. Unfortunately, almost every one of those relationships ended with me getting cheated on, with me still trying to hold on to them even after I knew they should be over. I’m not great at making an initial advance, and I also work a third shift job six to seven days a week, so it’s very hard for me to go out and try to meet women. Do you have any thoughts on what I could do to meet someone? I honestly had hoped to be married and to have started a family by this point in my life.
—Unlucky in Love
Dear Unlucky,
Forgive yourself for staying with people who cheated on you—that’s very common and doesn’t make you defective in any way. Plus, you’ve learned from those experiences.
A third shift schedule is really rough, but it seems like you could probably manage dinner or drinks dates around 8:00 before heading to work at 11. Make it a goal to go out once a week. To accomplish that, ask a friend to help you set up a dating profile that shows you in your best possible (but still accurate) light. And then ask two trusted coworkers, two family members, and two friends if they have anyone they might introduce you to. I’m hopeful! You’re a hard worker, despite your negative feelings about your dating history, you don’t have any serious baggage, and you want to settle down and be serious—which will be a huge selling point. You could be engaged in a year. If you can shake the feeling of being behind and find a little bit of confidence in what you have to offer, it will make getting there even easier.
Classic Prudie
My mother-in-law is generous and dotes on our 3-year-old son. We live less than an hour away and visit every Sunday. She invites us to spend the night on holidays, but never in the spare room. Instead we sleep on an air mattress downstairs. They let other guests (and our son) stay in the spare room. My mother-in-law has accused me of snooping a few times. I never have. I think she doesn’t want me upstairs.
